Waylon Daniel Bolden

I have waited a long time, before posting this.

1 year, 3 months and 8 days, to be exact.

You see, we have a son, his name is Waylon Daniel Bolden.

He is in Heaven.

He died at 35 weeks in utero, because of an umbilical cord accident.

He had no disease, he had no issues. He was IS perfect.

He just did too many flips and turns that he twisted his cord extremely tight, enough to cut off blood flow.

I remember everything, but sometimes I can't remember anything. 

Sometimes I can't remember what he looked like.

That makes me feel guilty.

How can a mother forget what her own child looks like?

I am so thankful for Waylon.

I am also thankful that I journaled almost immediately after we got home from the hospital.

That is what I am sharing today.

My journal entry, after Waylon died.

Here goes....

""For the Lord has heard the voice of my weeping. The Lord has heard my supplication. The Lord receives my prayer. - Psalm 6:8-9

It's Saturday morning around 7:30am and I realize I haven't felt you move. I have a moment of worry and then I put my mind at ease by saying, "he is just asleep. he is getting big anyways, he doesn't have a lot of room to move." But something doesn't feel right. You are VERY active. You are always  moving...but not today...

I text Melissa (our midwife) and after 30 minutes more of no movement, we agree I need to go to the hospital. We pack, still thinking you are fine, but knowing it's better safe than sorry.

The nurses can't find your heartbeat with the monitor...They bring in the ultrasound machine...they see your heart is no longer beating. No one knows why. Your dad is holding your big sister and I see the terror in his eyes as he realizes his son is dead. A feeling of numbness washes over me. This isn't real. This is a dream. This CANNOT be happening to me...

Your Aunt Tiffany gets to the hospital first. She is in disbelief. Next is your Uncle Cody and Auntie Hannah. They are also in shock when I say, "There is no heartbeat." The heartbeat I just heard 3 days before, is gone...

I still can't believe it.

Next to get here is grandmommy. She is in total shock and doesn't truly believe it yet. Over the course of the next hour our entire family (Bolden and Hancock) were there and we are all mourning the loss of you. The little boy that we love so much, but have never met.

The doctors induce me and give me lots of pain medicine to help with the pain of contractions and to numb my mind from all of the emotional pain. After 14 hours of hardly any sleep, pain, tears and some laughter...I feel you coming down.

The nurses get the midwife, Susie. The room empties. I know you are right there and I have to push. A sudden peace and calm wash over me. I know what I have to do. The part I worried about this entire pregnancy (pushing) is finally here and I am calm. I take a deep breath and push. Breathe. Deep breath and push again. Your head is out. One more gentle push and there you are. The midwife lays you on my belly.

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!

You look just like your big sister. But I feel nothing. I am completely numb.

Your dad says, "He isn't going to breathe is he?" I replied, "No honey, he isn't."

You were everything I expected and everything I didn't want all at the same time. You were gray. You were limp. You were so cute. I told them to take you, so they could clean you up and wrap you in a blanket. Your dad held you after that and wept over you. Your MeMe and Papa came in and your dad showed you to them. They all wept over you and soaked up as much of you as they could. I then held you again and kissed you. It was so hard  for me to hold you because I was so angry!

Why you?

Why did you have to die?

Why me? I AM A GOOD MOM!

Grandmommy and Aunt Tiff get to hold you and then your dad held you one more time and talked to you as he rocked you in the rocking chair. 

Then it was time to say goodbye.

Our nurse, Kim, came in and took you for pictures and then eventually to the morgue where the funeral home would come get you.

Your dad hollered, "I LOVE YOU SON!" and then collapsed on the floor in a puddle of tears.

I still feel nothing at this point, except for extreme anger.

In the next hour I do finally weep, myself, and do it in the arms of my mommy.

Son, you will be forever missed. You will forever be wanted here with us.

But, we know that you will forever be with Jesus. You will never know any pain or sin. And this gives us peace. It gives us hope. And it makes Heaven so much sweeter...

I love you.

Forever and ever I will love and miss you.

My sweet Waylon Daniel.

You will always be in my heart AND I will see you again.

Love, Mommy."

Wow, that was harder than I thought it would be. But, it is also healing going through it again.

I will be honest, I haven't read that since I wrote it.

I am so glad I did.

Waylon was real.

He really happened.

I will ALWAYS miss him and I will ALWAYS love him.

We buried him in a family plot in Winter Haven on September 5th, 2013.

Exactly a year later, his little sister Brooke Annette was born.

God knows why things happen.

I fully trust Him with my children and my life.

Thank you all for all of your support and prayers.

We love each and every one of you.

In Him, Lyndsey <3